In my professionally unprofessional opinion, seduction is a lost art.
There has, however, been a dramatic increase in the practice of parkour.
Parkour, if you’re unfamiliar, is the act of jumping and flipping and bouncing off of things with your body like an idiot in an attempt to look cool-ish in front of other teens and, in rare cases, fellow adult males. Knowing that this was being unsuccessfully used as a means to ‘peacock’ to the opposite sex, I figured it’s my duty as a sexually proven, grown-up woman, to reintroduce the art of seduction using a method that younger generations can relate to. To make sure everyone has a fighting chance to get laid. At least once.
Enter, Sensual Parkour.
Starting out simple, but with a universally manageable move, I offer to you, my Disciples of Sensuality, the slow pelvic thrust.
This is a perfect move that has the versatility to back it up (which is an equally effective move for another lesson, kiddies).
The slow pelvic thrust can be performed virtually anywhere. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting across the waiting room from a stone cold fox at my doctor’s office, rose to perform the slow pelvic thrust along to the smooth stylings of Kenny G, being sure to never break blinkless eye contact, and landed myself an immediate date. Sure it was at CVS for our scripts by accident, but that’s beside the point.
The key is to perform the pelvic thrust at the slowest pace imaginable without looking like you’re just trying to wiggle a wedgie from your rock hard ass cheeks. Personally, I use the rule of R.E.M. Thrust to the tempo of “Everybody Hurts” no matter the circumstance and you will knock them all dead with your raw sensuality. Fapping is not required but, who-boy will it get you some spicy results.
The next time you find yourself groping mangos at Whole Foods beside a potential sex partner, channel your inner Fabio, close your eyes, gently shake the long tresses you may or may not have, and slowly begin to thrust your pelvis forward and back.
Please don’t moan though.
You should not be the most sensually aroused by your own Sensual Parkour.