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Pinterest Is Trying to Kill My Family

Pinterest Is Trying to Kill My Family

Pinterest Is Trying to Kill My Family

We all know and love Pinterest for its redeeming qualities like, “Alternate Ways To Waste Your Time When You Should Be Really Productive” and “More Effort For A One-Year-Old’s Birthday Party Than Ever Humanly Necessary”.

What we fail to realize is how Pinterest, with all of its inspirational bologna (I dare you to search bologna on Pinterest), really just exists to destroy.

Every upcoming holiday is simply the catalyst for Pinterest’s attempt to take out families one by one for the sake of content. From Halloween to Arbor Day, it seems there’s a craft, nay an insanity-inducing innovation on a classic craft, that’s perfect for the occasion. But that perfection comes with a price and that price is hefty: Your Loved Ones.

So rest easy knowing that you’ll be poisoning your family with this year’s post-Easter, egg salad sandwiches by decorating with less beet juice and more Sharpies or getting to the point in wrapping Styrofoam eggs with glue-soaked yarn where you snap and bludgeon the only houseplant you’ve managed to keep alive with a jar of matte finish Mod Podge.

I’m no lawyer, but I’m going to say that “With all due respect, Your Honor, Pinterest made me do it.” is not an airtight defense in a court of law.


 
Maybe try this craft instead and spare your family’s insides!
A fun little sack of spring joy that has nothing to do with sharpies.

Learn about poison from me on Twitter.
Just kidding. I make butt jokes over there.

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