This is a post that’s about to get real annoying, real fast, but I couldn’t spend another day not sharing my #JeansWatch2013 thread from Twitter with you all here.
It was a wonderful holiday full of eating and family like any other. Why of course I mean Thanksgiving, not Arbor Day, you putz. I’d spent the bulk of the day in the kitchen preparing a heft meal for myself and the boys to enjoy when all of a sudden I realized it was almost 9:00pm and I was still wearing jeans. JEANS PEOPLE! I never wear pants with a button and a zipper unless it’s absolutely necessary (which, IMHO it never really is) so this was…well…against my better judgment and I know that now.
I decided it was time to document the process of removing my jeans for two reasons. 1) I never wear jeans and 2) if something terrible were to happen to me, I wanted someone, anyone, to know where to find me.
This is what unfolded:
Jeans Watch 2013. 8:45pm PT: She is still wearing jeans.
8:46p PT: She has begun contemplating the removal of the jeans for the umpteenth time. #jeanswatch2013
8:47p PT: A decision has been made. She just got up from the couch. #jeanswatch2013
8:47:30p PT: Distracted by a cup of stale marshmallows. Jeans still on. #jeanswatch2013
8:49p PT: Just finished the stale marshmallows. She’s taken a left turn into the kitchen. Jeans still on. #jeanswatch2013
8:51p PT: The fridge door is open. Jeans still on. #jeanswatch2013
8:52p PT: Enjoying a (diet) Coke. Tis the season. Jeans still on. #jeanswatch2013
8:54p PT: Finished the (diet) Coke. Appears to have been one of those pathetic mini cans. Jeans still on. #jeanswatch2013
8:54:15p PT: Back on course to pants removal. Headed to the bedroom. #jeanswatch2013
8:55p PT: Sneezed. Pit stop at the bathroom for clean up. #jeanswatch2013
8:56p PT: Caught glimpse of self in mirror. Doing hair. Jeans still on. #jeanswatch2013
9:12p PT: Emerging from the bathroom her top knot looks terrible and it appears her face was attacked by mosquitos. #jeanswatch2013
9:13p PT: Confirmed. She was popping zits. Jeans still on. #jeanswatch2013
9:14p PT: Walking around the house to find someone awake to commiserate about the empty pore strip thing from last week. #jeanswatch2013
9:15p PT: Finds her adorable sleeping child. Coos loudly. Jeans still on. #jeanswatch2013
9:16p PT: Rushes into bedroom to tell @steveshugg. He is asleep. #jeanswatch2013
9:17p PT: Sighs pathetically. Jeans still on. #jeanswatch2013
9:18p PT: Sweatpants drawer is open. Stroking chin with thumb and forefinger. She is thinking. #jeanswatch2013
9:19p PT: SWEATPANTS CHOSEN! Reaching for the button of her jeans. #jeanswatch2013
9:20p PT: Button and zipper undone. Pulling down the jeans. #jeanswatch2013
9:20:10p PT: Lots of grunting. #jeanswatch2013
9:21p PT: Red alert! Red alert! She’s fallen over. Head trauma sustained. #jeanswatch2013
9:22p PT: Family soundly sleeping. Left for dead. #jeanswatch2013
9:25p PT: She has come to. Completing denim extraction. Looks woozy. Would not advise. #jeanswatch2013
9:26p PT: Seems to be staying put on the ground. Obtains sweatpants from nearby bed. #jeanswatch2013
9:26:30p PT: Right leg in. #jeanswatch2013
9:27p PT: We have successful left leg insertion. #jeanswatch2013
9:28p PT: SHE’S PULLING THEM UP TO HER WAIST! STAND BY! #jeanswatch2013
9:29p PT: Mission accomplished. I repeat, mission accomplished. She is out of the fucking jeans. #jeanswatch2013
It’s no live-tweeting a hilarious rooftop breakup or a looney tune on a holiday flight, but it’s what I’ve got to offer you.
Deal with it.