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How to Tell You're Not at Coachella

How to Tell You’re Not at Coachella

Coachella is essentially the Woodstock of this generation. If you don’t know what Woodstock is, please Wiki it. Good god I can’t do everything for you.

There are a lot of things that happen at the desert festival every year and then there’s also freaky slash cool shit that goes down with each year’s festival theme.

Here are a few examples of how you might tell that you were not at Coachella for either weekend this year:

You weren’t stuck at the top of a ferris wheel while the operator convinced a chick she wasn’t on a spaceship.

It’s never a smart idea to combine a massive carnival ride, thousands of people, dub-step & LSD. Unless you’ve run out of dub-step in which case, get on that ferris wheel and ride it to the moon.

You still have all of the belongings you started the weekend with.

Loss of dignity is one thing you basically agree to the second you open that box with your wristband in it. What you don’t expect is to also lose your phone, wallet, house keys, crop-top muscle tee & every pair of underwear you brought with you. If this is happening to you at home, you should seek help and probably get your locks changed. Immediately.

You don’t smell like sweat and weed.

Okay maybe you do. I’m not here to judge how you live your life. #420Easter

4. You weren’t wondering where the giant astronaut was at any given moment.

A rogue, foil train balloon that just won’t quit from your kid’s birthday party six months ago is one thing. A football field sized space explorer constantly reading your texts over your shoulder, is a totally other thing. That thing is also creepy as shit.

5. Your day in the park wasn’t ruined by a naked man dancing next to you.

Having your picnic ruined by a disrobed, sugar-rushed toddler doesn’t hold a flame to a forty-something dude dancing in his birthday suit while everyone is just trying to survive having to hear that one Lorde song again. Sweet rolls, Glen.

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