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Sorry I Didn't Immediately Suck Your Dick

Sorry I Didn’t Immediately Suck Your Dick

Originally I planned to write this as an open letter to a specific ‘celebrity’ I had a less than impressive encounter with recently, but instead I’ve decided to focus on the loss of social decorum that fame sometimes brings rather than just calling the person out as a fucking asshole.

In the past decade plus that I’ve spent professionally and recreationally meeting famous people, a layover in Phoenix after one of the longest three days of my life in Chicago, was the last circumstance on earth I imagined meeting someone whose work I admire incredibly and walking away with a complete disinterest in them as a human being.

I stood there, leaning against a pillar as my connecting flight deplaned, futzing around on the internet when, before a name was attached to it, I noticed someone had checked in at the same airport. Having lived in Phoenix up until a year ago, I thought to myself that surely it was a childhood friend heading out of town for a vacation or a former business associate in town for a meeting. I was surprised to see that it was, in fact, a celebrity. But one whose level of achieved recognition falls somewhere far from Beatlemania, but a few pegs above Sal who does a mean Journey medley on karaoke night at the local sports bar every Tuesday. To add a dimension of peculiarity to the discovery, we share a few mutual friends and have, on multiple occasions, been in the same place at the same time, but never formally introduced.

As I locked my phone and put it in my back pocket, I thought to myself, “How totally fucking random is that?”

And then I started to people watch like anyone who makes fun of shit on the internet for a living is wont to do in an airport. I looked straight ahead to see the celeb standing two gates down, meeting an enthusiastic male fan. They were totally engaged with one another in some sort of dialogue and even stopped to snap a photo before shaking hands and parting ways.

Noticing that the tiny plane I was about to board was transporting a clown convention or something, I decided to walk over and say hello.

In my years of first hand experience with famous people, I’ve paid attention enough to know that even Bono likes to be approached & treated like a human being whether someone’s introducing themselves as a fan or a peer. And honestly, it’s how everyone should approach ‘someone from the TV’ if we’re being real here. Get a few shots of whiskey in me and I’ll go on forever about the psychological theory I have on establishing yourself to anyone you introduce yourself to regardless of their (or your) ‘status’.

I walked up, I said hello, introduced myself, and for the first time in my entire life, I felt like I was creepy.

Though it wasn’t because of anything I was doing or saying.

Shocking, right?

Rather, I stuck with socially acceptable salutations this time like “Hello.” and “Nice to meet you.” only to be met with zero eye contact, a nose buried in a cell phone, aimlessly walking around in circles, and looking around, but not searching like one would when they’re waiting to meet someone or even people watching like I’d been doing not too long before this odd encounter.

It was a quick passing of time, maybe a minute in whole, but the painful experience of attempting to engage with someone who seemed to possess a weird switch that could be flipped from on based on how quickly someone they don’t know regurgitates their work verbatim (or has sweet tits, let’s be real) to off if they approach them cordially, like an equal was too much.

I think it’s my maternal tendency that makes me disappointed more than anything in the person, that they didn’t have the civil decency to put their phone down for 45 seconds, make eye contact, or at the least feign interest in someone willing to offer praise.

Will my continued recognition of their creativity, brilliance and lovability, but complete disinterest in openly supporting their professional success make even the slightest blip or bump on their road to achieving such things?

No fucking way.

But I do feel better for knowing they’re broken like anyone on the planet could be.

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