Hair is everything.
It gets in the way and out of the way and all over the damn place. But more importantly, it tells us the stories we don’t ever need to hear. Which is especially true when we’re talking about women’s hairstyles.
Let me show you…
The signature embodiment of little old lady sweetness. This taut, modest bun is exactly what you expect to pull up alongside after a Crown Vic cuts you off going 15mph on the freeway. And when you swivel in the vitamin aisle after a swift ramming of a shopping cart into your shins, the puppy dog eyes behind those glasses on the end of her nose will be staring innocently back at you like ‘By golly, she didn’t see you there, sweetheart!’ But we know full well that she’s in a hurry to restock her Werther’s Originals.
The Spring Breaker
Everything you need to know about the chick who works a few cubes down and her spring break trip to the Jersey shore can be easily summed up in the height of her hair, the severity of the sunburn on her chest and how frequently you walk by on your way to the break room to see her in a seemingly frozen state of duck face. That frequency will be very similar to how often you roll your eyes when she attempts to vainly recount how many dudes were just “dying to ‘turnpike’ her on the dance floor at the clubs” all week.
Ah, the picture of pure desperation and dishevelment. While you may feel concern over the sight of a woman in such pathetic disarray, it’s more than likely she didn’t do much harm. A severely tear-stained cheek is most likely the result of too many Zimas and an unfortunate instance of publicly urinating on the side of a Circle K. Probably.
We can graciously thank Hollywood for permanently searing into our brains that long, stringy dark hair, limply hanging across the majority of a hobbling woman’s face is exactly what our every nightmare henceforth will involve. Even if there’s no VHS static, abandoned wells, or evil spiritual conjuring in the context of that recurring dream about serving back-to-back jury duty summons.