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The Contra Sutra

Contra Sutra

Being inspired by television shows has always been a ‘thing’ that content creators have willingly admitted to. This right here is no different because the Contra Sutra was inspired by the Comedy Central show, @midnight, and their nightly #HashtagWars. And although my contribution was not included as a top submission OR used as the tweet of the day (what the fuck is up with that business, Hardwick) for the prompt #SexyVideoGames, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t going to run through a field of Konami daisies to make this an actual thing.

The Contra Sutra

It’s no secret that gamers rarely get laid.

Rather, that used to be the case when you talked about someone who sat in front of their TV or computer screen for hours at a time with a console and a controller and a box of cold pizza and a ripeness of body odor. Nowadays the gaming world has definitely leveled up with the invention of the Contra Sutra. (Plus have you seen how hot we gamers are lately?!)

No Contra-based sex book would be complete without including the mission to neutralize the Red Falcon Organization which in this case is less an alien entity and more the family dog watching you do The Nasty with his lipstick at full attention. For the sake of everyone on the futon, we’re going to hypothesize that he’s already been neuterized.

The handy guide provides a thorough illustration of both single-player and two-player co-op positions.

In order to successfully perform the moves outlined in the guide, players of lust can hump, swivel, thrust and fire in an impressive eight directions. And although there’s quite the nerdy sexiness to mastering the ‘Mad Dog’, end game has been known to occur at the challenge of trying to keep the rapid fire love bullets from making a mess of your LACK end table. Die-hards all agree, both in gameplay and foreplay, that one player lagging behind causes great frustration for his partner.

However, users beware. There has been one reported case of overzealous use of the Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right-Left-Right-B-A-Start position to achieve the coveted “Special”, which involved the mythical seven climax power-up. No human on the planet, especially not one whose strengths fall less in physical endurance and more in their dexterity and mental focus, could possibly handle a humpfest that involved 37 consecutive orgasms.

Let’s be honest though, a gamer in the sheets will always have their phasers set to Barrier.

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