It’s the crappiest day of the year for those who can’t find love.
But take heart, here are some ridiculous things for singles to do this Valentine’s Day:
1. Candlelit Pizza Roll Dinner
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Not all love-riddled dinners require a reservation. Plop some birthday candles into your piping hot Totino’s mouth-scorchers and treat yourself. You’re worth it.
2. Plunge Into Floral Debt
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Fiscal responsibility is for the coupled and comfortable. Nothing screams “spoiling” to a single person more than an apartment filled to the brim with wilted roses and a weeping bank account.
3. Seal in The Sexy
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Racy lingerie is one thing. A confident, nude body is another. But nothing beats the slimy sensation of fashioning your meaty, flesh sack into a cling-wrapped masterpiece. Marvel at your creation in every mirror.
4. Weight-Match Chocolate Challenge
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Binging to cope with less than ideal circumstance is great. Hoovering orange-creme-filled chocolates into your face hole in rapid succession is much more fat-isfying.
5. Romantic Personal Cat Massage
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Go on now. Dim the lights, put on your comfiest pjs, lie facedown on your sofa, sprinkle cat nip on your back and let Muffins give you a sensual massage. Try not to make any sudden movements. Trust me.
6. Virtual Reali-Date
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Sleepless in Seattle is cued up on Netflix and your fluffiest throw blanket is nearby. All that’s left is snuggling up with your life-sized printout of Ryan Gosling.
7. Social Media Secret Admirer
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Everyone loves to be admired from afar. Take it to the next level with an extremely elaborate Pinterest project that shows just how much someone loves you. Bust out your selfie stick to suggest your schnookuns is in the same room. T-shirt cannon those pics out onto the interwebs so everyone knows you’re the luckiest gal either side of the Mississippi. BONUS LEVEL: Make a phony account so your mystery lover can double-tap and interact with you. Don’t forget to change your relationship status to “Hotties with Bodies Doin’ the Naughtys”.