We’re all humans, unless you’re a miraculous cat that’s figured out the internet. Which I doubt. And humans are inherently embarrassing beings. We have entire, decades long television series’ that are based on who captured the most embarrassing thing a person can do on camera. For money.
So with the New Year, let us take a moment to nod repeatedly at these 13 embarrassing things everyone has done.
source / NBC New York
Sure you’ve met the person two or three times before. Heck, you may even be related to them. But they’re a distant relative, twice removed and you’ve got other things to fill the name-remembering department of your brain. Like whether or not to have meatless nachos. #priorities
2. Whoopsy Tootsy
source / SHUGGILIPPO
The functions of our bodies are marvelous wonders of science and complete accidents. Like when the gaseous matters bellow from either end the moment we walk into a crowded elevator or are making our final presentation to the CEO on our two-year project. The louder the better. The silent are deadly.
3. Secret Playlist
source / MamaKatTV
It’s amazing how quickly we blame our non-existent younger siblings or faux, teen-human sixth-degree connection to having an entire road trip playlist bursting at the seams with Top 40 hits, heavy on the T-Swift. It’s not our fault that dub-step has the best tempo for burpees.
4. Glitch Walking
source / laughie-taffy
Coordination is something we need to be taught. No one comes out of the womb moon-walking so why would we expect that at moments, the wiring we’ve been given would never short out on us. Bonus embarrassment achievement unlocked if you take someone down with you.
5. Faking a Reference
source / That’s Normal
Age isn’t even a factor here. The improper use of “bae” or rather pretending to know everything there is to know about “that one photo Kim Kerfluffernutter posted on The Facebook” when really you have no idea is probably worse than having no idea. But that high school fitting-in feeling will forever haunt you. Forever.
6. Goober Greeting
source / 99 Gifs
Whether it’s an intricately choreographed handshake that has more finger guns, snaps and hacky-sack-legs than handshaking or the diagonal tango of hug uncertainty, you’re going to flub this. A lot. And so is everyone else.
7. Car Houdini
source / imgur
Sure, you were only in the store for 15 minutes, but a lot happened between needing assistance on which kale is the most free-range and where they moved the thermal underpants in the remodel. Thank goodness for the car key, panic button. We’d be a pedestrian society without it.
source / sodahead
Home invisibility is the best thing that our eight-legged friends have going for them. One sometimes wonders whether or not daddy longlegs has popped a miniature batch of popcorn to shovel into his teeny mouth as he watches on while we spontaneously perform a Cirque du Silk-leil routine.
source / eonline
On a hot summer’s day it could feel refreshing. In the dead of winter, the word “shrinkage” comes to mind. On a first date, consider it also your last. What is it about that tiny strip of interlocking metal that makes our brains go kaput after the bathroom?! WHAT?!
source / imgur
Since you were a small child, you’ve mastered the art of sounding out a word because you know the sounds that the letters of the alphabet make. However, there are a crapton of characters that have umpteen billion sounds attached to them so it’s safer to assume you’re going to mess up even the simplest seeming word on the page.
11. Digging for Gold
source / the big lead
Often a brisk external swipe of the nostrils will rid you of a flappy, dry boog. Other times you’re going to need to ask someone to hold the rope attached to your elbow as you secure a head lamp to your forefinger. There’s excavating to be had and you refuse to return from the excursion empty handed. A finger’s gotta do what a finger’s gotta do.
12. F in Basic Math
source / letsblopwhen
After the ones and twos, the confidence skyrockets in the arithmetic game. Doesn’t matter how completely off you are, you’ve blurted an incorrect solution for a basic equation and there’s not a single thing that will make you admit it. Not even your death bed.
13. App Hoarding
source / tumblr
Rather than purge the apps that we insist on using daily and anonymously, we upgrade our device. We need more space to load more necessary uses of our time on those magical handheld thingamajiggies. I can’t receive calls, I’m busy using Honestli.
Honestli is a brand new app that lets you confess some of the most embarrassing things, completely anonymously. I downloaded it at the beginning of December and I cannot begin to tell you how much fun I’m having over there posting some of the things I’d rather not post on public social networks because, hello, anonymous. Yes. The comment threads are also really hilarious. I’m surprised I’ve managed to get as much productive existence done since I installed the thing. Go download it for iPhone or Android. Now. No, now. Okay, NOW!
Honestli and my friends at Find Your Influence made it rain on me in exchange for my participation in this campaign. This list of embarrassing things is all my own. And also yours. I’m sure.