Summer is officially upon us. People will be flocking to the coast for some fun in the sun. And most of those people will be shitting their swim trunks.
Here is a list of 11 irrational fears you have at the beach:
1. Sandholeaphobia
Doesn’t matter if it was made by a toddler or a tanned douche bag. You’re going in.
2. Slimestyeria
That mysterious graze better be the tentacle of a majestic kraken. Dear god it better be.
3. Kitebiteysteria
Wind is the honey badger of the atmosphere. It doesn’t give a shit about keeping nylon animals on strings in the air and not in your chest.
4. Ingestsandphobia
Anyone who says,”It’s a great source of iron!” is a liar and a cheater and a dirty, dirty whore.
5. Bombgullaphobia
I AM NOT A DISCARDED PRINGLES CAN! I AM NOT!
6. Unexpected Stranger Privates Anxiety (USPA)
Beach signs are confusing. Waistline tent poles and chest frisbees never lie.
7. Landsharkysteria
Set up shop at the very edge of the parking lot. That way you can make it to your car before the great white turd makes it that far onto land.
8. Splashflashaphobia
Your bikini top has become self-aware! I repeat! IT IS SELF AWARE!
9. Sunbuuuuuuurrrrnaphobia
Spray and spread and dunk and slather as much you want but you’re still coming out looking like a garbage-eating wilderness creature.
10. Umbrellaerophobia
That quick-set cement was useless. See you from the clouds, Derek.
11. Kanyayaphobia
Not a single disaster you planned on happening actually happened. You had a good time. Crap. That means you’re probably already convinced you should do it again.
