Summer is officially upon us. People will be flocking to the coast for some fun in the sun. And most of those people will be shitting their swim trunks.
Here is a list of 11 irrational fears you have at the beach:
Doesn’t matter if it was made by a toddler or a tanned douche bag. You’re going in.
That mysterious graze better be the tentacle of a majestic kraken. Dear god it better be.
Wind is the honey badger of the atmosphere. It doesn’t give a shit about keeping nylon animals on strings in the air and not in your chest.
Anyone who says,”It’s a great source of iron!” is a liar and a cheater and a dirty, dirty whore.
I AM NOT A DISCARDED PRINGLES CAN! I AM NOT!
6. Unexpected Stranger Privates Anxiety (USPA)
Beach signs are confusing. Waistline tent poles and chest frisbees never lie.
Set up shop at the very edge of the parking lot. That way you can make it to your car before the great white turd makes it that far onto land.
Your bikini top has become self-aware! I repeat! IT IS SELF AWARE!
Spray and spread and dunk and slather as much you want but you’re still coming out looking like a garbage-eating wilderness creature.
That quick-set cement was useless. See you from the clouds, Derek.
Not a single disaster you planned on happening actually happened. You had a good time. Crap. That means you’re probably already convinced you should do it again.